Today I’m not feeling good. Writing this down means a great effort for me right now, but I feel that I need to show my feelings.
As I told you on a previous post some years agoo I suffered from anxiety; I also went through a depression and it was a very painfull situation. I’ve been now for 3 months looking for a job and it seems that no company wants to give any opportunity to just graduated people without a brilliant record. That makes me feel very sad because, as many other people, I spent 6 years of my life studying, working really hard, sleeping only a few hours everyday, staying up late in order to pass my exams, having laboratories in the late evening, without going out with friends on the weekend because of course we had to study or write infinite essays. That has been my life for the last 6 years.
Last year it seemed to me that I was getting over my anxiety and depression, and began to feel happy even when things weren’t going as I expected.
And sometimes my parents doesn’t help me. I know they want the best for me, but the only solution they offer to me is preparing an opposition (I don’t know how it is called in other countries but in Spain if you want to work in a public institution with a permanent salary and an undefined contract you have to make a serie of exams called “Oposiciones”). I’m done with studying and preparing these exams is horrible, you have to continue studying a lot more than at College, present a few times cause it’s unusual to pass them the first time and right now that’s not what I want.
But they keep telling me the same thing, try it. I don’t know how to make them see that at this moment that’s not the way I want to make things; I’m sad almost all the time, when I’m with other people I don’t show it, I might seem a happy person but it isn’t the truth. The truth is that I am sad, and I feel anxious and desperate. Telling a person suffering from anxiety and depression to calm down doesn’t help them. It only makes you feel angry because it seems you don’t have the right to feel like that.
So today I made a ridiculous thing, my parents were crying and worried, but now they don’t want to talk to me. These makes me feel sadder than ever, and I can’t stop crying.
I hope this will never happen to you cause it’s really painful.